What a shoddy bunch you are! With a collective 130 attempts to destroy our plucky hero you have achieved nothing short of epic fail status.
Sure, as a merry band of psychopaths, megalomaniacs, billionaires and master manipulators you’ve been pretty enterprising in your own right; busily building empires poised to dominate the globe in a fashion that would make your mothers proud, but oh, this whole Bond lark isn’t really working out is it?
Could I be so bold as to suggest the following: Avoid metal body parts; teeth (Jaws), arms (Tee Hee) and hands (Dr No), are a no go. Convoluted execution methods – a hot mess and just wrong! De-clutter; Bond’s not always armed and his survival is often due to use of nearby household appliances; lamps or random objects d’art.
Adhere to basic health and safety protocol including the display of clear warning and operational signage for reactor coolants, shark tanks, volcano opening devices and airlocks. Bond really doesn’t need an internet dating app, so engaging him in chat about your latest Tinder interest is not going to distract him.
Pitting him against a beautiful Arch Villainess however would be my recommendation. We’re talking the Evil Uber boss, Overlord, Big Cheese type but with the looks of an interesting Victoria Secrets model. Seems we’ve tried villains being male, cocky and odd looking so maybe it’s time for something new?
UP – An app that walks you home
Getting more popular by the minute, the Companion app is for anyone who wants a friend to GPS track, and be alerted to any problems you might encounter on your late night journey home.
UP – Drive like a granny
Google’s driverless pod-like cars; reports suggest reliable, erring on dull and without a hint of boy racer which one would hope will keep the Ronnie Pickerings of this world at bay.
UP – Cold turkey
If you are transfixed by cat and dog Facebook videos when you should be working then Cold Turkey software could be for you. It bars you from your designated list of distracting websites for a period of time when you most need to be productive.
NON MOVER – Peeple app – Nil points
I’m often found giving people I know marks out of five in my notepad when they’re not looking. Luckily the much vilified Peeple app will launch soon so I can do this publically, something I’m sure will help them “grow and change for the better” as the founders suggest.
DOWN – Spying Smurf
Dreamy, Nosey and Tracker Smurfs are not cheeky characters that will have you spending a fortune on plastic merchandise but allegedly the hacks GCHQ can use to control you Smartphone.